Friend Ends Friendship Over a Text During My Grief: AIBU?
When the burden of loss feels extremely heavy, and grief is running wild, it can be so difficult to know how to navigate the complexities of friendship. Here is a tale of a woman dealing with the sudden death of a friend by her nightstand, and simultaneously dealing with a strained friendship. All but one of her friends understood her radio silence while she adjusted to grieving and dealing with the “burdens of settling her partner’s estate in the UK.”
The friend seemed to take this non-response as an indication that the other woman was thinking too much about her own grief and the logistical complications that arise at such times, and began shutting her out, leaving group chats on Twitter, Instagram and WhatsApp. When asked for clarification, the friend said her expectations for responses within certain time constraints were not met and that she sent Instagram videos, so the woman should have responded. The grieving woman said the friend never replied to the numerous apologies and dinner invitations leaving her confused and upset. It opens up a brief discussion on empathy, boundaries, and what friendship should like during personal crisis.
It can be strange that in moments when we are utterly broken, people can still make it about themselves
The author lost their partner and wasn’t able to respond to their messages, and while most friends understood, one didn’t
Grief, Friendship, and Managing Expectations
The Impact of Grief on Communication
Grief Changes Us — The Existing Interaction Patterns(VueJS) Mental Health America reports that those experiencing grief may have low energy or difficulty concentrating or being social, making maintaining relationships as they once did to feel impossible. In this particular case, responding to messages in a speedy fashion was the last thing on the woman’s mind as she combined dealing with the shock of her partner’s death, legal complications in a foreign country and the need to process the loss of a partner whom she’d loved for many years. This starkness in this friendship was understood by most friends and their support.
The Role of Empathy in Friendships
Most friendships run on an understanding that is mutual between the two. American Psychological Association (APA) research has also noted that part of empathy is recognizing an individual’s unique struggles, and adjusting expectations of their behavior accordingly. However, in taking a hard line — ignoring the ambiguous nature of those unanswered texts as an indication that the woman doesn’t care — the friend fails to consider the particulars of the woman’s emotional and life situation. That’s the very opposite of being a friend.
Social Media and Perceptions of Grief
Social media makes another level of complication to grieving. For some, posting videos of animals or something entertaining online can be a form of distraction. But, a Pew Research Center study notes that social media activity is evidence often misconstrued as emotional availability. This misconception was reinforced when the friend assumed that because of the woman’s Instagram activity, she wasn’t grieving properly; that’s not how grief works.
When to Let Go of a Friendship
It is understandable that during this most vulnerable time, you might feel rejected, when a friend cuts off communication with you, but at times the person has to be left behind. The friend turns his back on the woman trying to come out of her shell and making amends; that isn’t a willingness to repair the relationship. Psychology Today goes on to point out that one-sided friendships can be emotionally depleting, typically when the energy exerted to re-establish the faith in the bond goes unreturned. It might be better to move on to relationships where there is give-and-take emotional closeness.
Netizens agreed with them and stated that their friend is indeed selfish and that they need to stop trying to make amends
Grief changes the view of relationships and who will provide grace, and who has the hard stopabout how someone is allowed to behave. It may be that the woman’s friend decided to draw a line and walk away from the friendship, but a comment like that shows a total absence of compassion for someone dealing with a life-altering tragedy. As hard as it is to place all of one foot of the friendship outside the door, the healthy friendships may help you find the strength.
