MIL Says She Should Have Taken My Newborn Home: Am I Overreacting?
Like many new moms, this writer is struggling to establish boundaries with her in-laws—and despite her best efforts her overbearing mother-in-law has become a constant source of aggravation and anxiety. From calling the couple’s engagement as “insane” to overstepping several boundaries in the case of her first grandchild, the MIL has been quite disrespectful. But the MIL crossed the line when, soon after the OP gave birth, she held her newborn grandson for the first time and said, ‘Darn, we should have brought the car seat in and just taken him home with us.’
Even though the statement may seem harmless to some, it rubbed a nerve with others given her history of overstepping (specifying what the baby’s first Christmas outfit should be, ignoring requests to ask before holding the baby and calling the new mom “selfish” for creating postpartum boundaries). With this history of gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and manipulation, she is often left feeling trapped and emotionally exhausted. Soon it will be her turn to sever communications in her journey of restoring peace and shielding her family.
Some people think boundaries are optional and others just treat them like a challenge
One new mom is fed up with her controlling mother-in-law who expects to be part of the baby’s first moments, calling him “her baby” and even trying to steal him
The Impact of Boundary Violations on Parental Well-Being
The Importance of Postpartum Boundaries
During postpartum, new mothers experience important physical and emotional changes. It is fair to take a step back around this time and this is even important for the mother as she needs her time to recover and for the family to bond as well. As Postpartum Support International suggests, a pretext to the question of the the guest that young moms are supposed to take it easy, especially at the outset, above the simplest skip of boundaries can dog this gorgeous stage of your life with discipline, anxiety, and self-doubt. Here, we have an actual woman who is a human, let alone a mom, so the MIL is senselessly adding stress onto what is already a super vulnerable time for her both during pregnancy as well as postpartum.
Jokes or Red Flags? Context Matters
Although the MIL’s taking the baby home comment likely was a joke, take that with a grain of salt granted her track record with his comment cancelling judgment alone. According to family dynamics experts such as the ones at the Gottman Institute, jokes might obscures hidden meanings or illuminate deeper conflicts. These requests, especially for a MIL who regularly crosses boundaries and exerts influence, can sound less like a joke and more like a threat — pile on the anxiety, festering the expletive.
Managing Overbearing In-Laws
Overbearing in-laws: Here are 4 strategies for how to deal with in-laws assertively… Psychology Today has put together a resource that includes strategies such as:
- Establishing Non-Negotiables: Defining clear, specific boundaries (e.g., “No uninvited visits” or “Ask before holding the baby”) helps reduce ambiguity.
- Delegating to Your Partner: The husband should take an active role in communicating and enforcing these boundaries to present a united front.
- Limiting Contact: Reducing interactions with toxic family members, as the mom has chosen to do, is a valid step when boundaries are repeatedly violated.
The Emotional Toll of Boundary Violations
What the MIL is doing is disrespecting the new mom as a parent. In fact, sociologist Arlie Hochschild describes the concept of “emotional labor,” and constant undermining can contribute to emotional labor exhaustion. Which represents emotional labor of a sort: specifically, that of dealing with other people’s emotions — here, repeatedly having to explain why boundaries exist, or appeasing the MIL to keep the peace. No contact could even help overcome the tragic excess of contact, which is known to kill the weak-natured human to stand for distancing for mental health.
Netizens sided with the woman, saying her mother-in-law was out of line for implying she would steal the baby and suggesting the new mom limit contact with her
Similar controlling behavior on the part of the MIL was exhibited throughout her history of stepping over boundaries and her comment at the hospital was not just said for shock value but rather within a larger pattern of troubling conduct. This mom writes that cutting down contact when you feel it necessary is the only way to go for the sake of your happiness and the peace of your family. Boundaries help kindled a healthy, respectful family dynamic—more than just steering clear of conflict.
