Friendship Dilemma: Should the Child-Free Friend Pay for Babysitting?
Longtime friends have their bonds frayed by an unforeseen monetary demand. These five women – friends since high school. They recently started employing a babysitter during their monthly dinners to give the moms in the group a chance to have a night out without kids. That hundred bucks/evening expense has now become a collective one. However, one child-free member declines to contribute, saying she shouldn’t have to cover a service from which she doesn’t benefit.
So when it came time for the child-free friend to pay for dinner, she was astonished to get text messages demanding she also pay the babysitter prices. In order to keep their tradition alive and make dinners happen, the group says this is all part of it. Now, this disagreement has divided them, with the friend questioning whether she is unreasonable, or merely standing up for herself.
Getting together with a friend group tends to become increasingly difficult over time
This redditor was expected to pitch in for her friends’ babysitter so they could enjoy a kid-free night
Exploring the Financial and Social Dynamics
The Ethics of Shared Costs Among Friends
When it comes to how money gets handled between groups of individuals, it often is a question of hoped-for expectations and fairness. In this case, the dilemma centres around whether the non-parent friend receives equal benefit from the babysitting arrangement. The moms say, the charge means they can meet without disruptions; the friend without kids sees it as not applicable to her joining them.
The costs associated with sharing should be proportional to the benefit, according to social etiquette expert Lizzie Post. Soliciting a buddy to chip in for a service they don’t use — or at least not get an immediate benefit from — can be a relationship-ender. The child-free friend who only attends the dinner though?
Precedents in Social Norms
This is similar to the unequal costs argument where, within a group of friends, one individual pays for more things than the others, say, when an individual consumes substantially more than the others. Others contend that fairness means paying for the amount of harm you cause or the benefit you receive, and not subsidizing other people’s decisions. The same principle applies here: if one parent has to pay for the babysitter, it may feel like he or she is subsidizing a service the other parent doesn’t need.
Financial Implications and Group Equity
This time it’s not as persuasive an argument as “everybody gets to enjoy hanging out.” The time and presence of the child-free friend is equal to that of the moms. Introducing a parental-only financial burden skews the balance.
One workaround could be to detach babysitting fees from dinner bills altogether. The moms could, say, share the cost of the babysitter. This method recognizes different needs without forcing the childless person to be a part of it.
Balancing Traditions and Personal Boundaries
You can keep old friendships with compromise, but not if the compromise isn’t fair. Research into friendship dynamics suggests that unless this is resolved it can diminish trust and connection over time. One paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (source) discusses how discord in relationships such as friendships is not necessarily born of malevolent intentions, but instead arises from seemingly innocent mismatches of expectations, especially when it comes to money.
Being open about this might even help keep the group dynamic intact. So for example the child-free friend may suggest she will pay for her part of dinner only or a meal alternating not paying toward babysitting costs.
Exploring Broader Implications
This particularly contention is emblematic of a larger societal pattern: the notion that vegans either need to abide by the parent’s needs, or worse – that they need to change their views entirely to accommodate the needs of parents (and parent-adjacent people lurking about). We believe inclusivity is important, but not at the expense of unfair financial burdens. With that in mind, here is how you should be approaching those situations: open dialogue, and setting clear boundaries.
Fellow netizens shared their opinions in the comments, the OP replied to some of them
It highlights the often-difficult intersection of individual preferences, monetary arrangements, and group customs. Even if the one with no kids is not the villain, creating peace and a middle ground could help avoid more drama and keep the gang together.
