Couple Leaves Vacation After Being Expected to Babysit, Sparking Family Tension
The OP and her husband received an invitation from his brother and SIL to accompany them to a family trip to a cabin belonging to their parents (the cabin had been booked for the week). Despite the invitation sounding like a getaway, the vacation was soon an unpaid childminder. The brother and his wife had dropped off their three-year-old and seven-year-old to be babysat by the couple on several occasions, without the couple ever agreeing to that beforehand.
The final straw came after multiple incidents — such as SIL berating the couple for drinking while on holiday and her making passive aggressive comments about their mannerisms. Far too blindsided by the expectation they’d be “helping out” on the trip, the couple left and booked their own place to stay. Somehow, the brother and SIL think the kids are being harmed by their decision to leave and are accusing the couple of being unreasonable.
Man and his wife are “invited for a vacation” by his brother, sister-in-law, and three kids to their parents’ cabin
Turns out it was only so they could babysit the kids while the other couple went out and enjoyed their time together
The Problem with Unspoken Expectations on Family Vacations
This incident shows a pervasive family problem — the failure to communicate expectations of behavior and misalignment of roles during shared vacations. Even if family vacations are a beautiful opportunity for bonding, resentment can be created quickly because one side feels pushed around by the other.
The Problem with Assuming “Help”
If the wife watches their three-yearold where the brother and SIL would be that evening, the brother and SIL seem to be planning that the couple will just do child care. Unfortunately, assumptions — particularly if you do not express it — lead to misunderstanding. Psychology today notes that the key to avoiding tension when families are all together for an event or the holidays is clear communication. Now, if the brother and SIL were anticipating help with childcare during the trip, then that needed to be stated ahead of time. Rather, they didn’t ask, just left the younger ones with the couple, and lambasted them later for things (such as drinking), which (specifically) were not conducive with the childcare role they’d never committed to entering.
Vacations Are for Rest, Not Obligations
The trip is a clearly force of rest and recreation. A vacation is meant to be an escape from the routine, including unpaid life-care duties. The SIL claimed the trip was a “family vacation,” but he and his wife had no children of their own to babysit and had hoped to use the time to relax without extra duties.
However, family conflict resolution experts warn that any expectation that other will take on caregiving duties on trips together is a surefire ticket to resentment unless explicitly spelled out ahead of time. So someone can be excited about an amazing vacation and then think about how over the past six months they have provided you know-one-time-childcare and they do not feel like doing that during their vacation time this fall.
Guilt-Tripping and the Impact on Relationships
The SIL sending photos of the kids, crying to her friends, and acting so confused after the couple left is pure guilt-tripping. This is a tactic to avoid responsibility and proven guilt and to create blame on the other side and not solve the problem. When hammering at the kids’ feelings of “hurt,” the brother and SIL completely sidestep both their own failure to communicate and the unreasonable expectations they placed on the couple.
Redditors jumped to his rescue and advised him to draw boundaries with his brother and SIL’s babysitting demands
So no blame can attach to the couple who left. They had unvoiced expectations to step into babysitting roles and were accused of being irresponsible—they were simply supposed to serve, and were urged to enjoy themselves less, as if this was an extension of their everyday caregiving role. It sounds like the brother and SIL have some justified feelings of frustration, but they would need to express this or get past it rather than be annoyed with the couple due to the couple not being mind-readers and/or not respecting their own boundaries. A holiday should be something both partners enjoy, not something one half of the couple is forced into against their will.
