Woman Leaves Family Trip After Future MIL Lies About Bringing Kids, Sparks Family Tension
Identifying herself as a 33 year old and single momma to two girlies (7 and 5), she was left at odds with her future mother in law (FMIL) over the details of a planned family trip. The woman had set it to be “adults only” because of things like going to bars, and FMIL just occurred to her to bring her daughters to her sister’s to avoid the children, so the woman organized for her sister to take the kids at home. However, when she arrived at the airport, guess what, her SIL and BIL took all three of their kids there, thus showing that FMIL had been lying when she said that the trip would be child-free.
FMIL ignored the behavior and when the attention-seeking woman worked up her courage to tell FMIL how it made her feel, FMIL just avoided the situation and told the bride she was wrong to feel excluded and frustrated. Shrugged away, forfeited deposit, got back home. Her fiance, Jack, later claimed her response created ‘drama for no reason’ and ruined the holiday. According to him, his mom just “needed time to be acclimated to how her daughters were” and that she was perfectly entitled to her feelings about the situation. The woman is now wondering whether she overreacted.
This mom-of-two got engaged to her boyfriend, but her future mother-in-law wasn’t happy about it
And put it on full display during one of their family trips
The Importance of Inclusion, Boundaries, and Red Flags
This story tackles the complicated family dynamics of a blended family that’s no easy affair. The center of the whole thing, however, is everything from inclusion and respect to the duties of a partner when dealing with tricky family ties.
Exclusion of Children in Blended Families
Apart from the typical sociocultural hurdles, blended families also encounter difficulties in forging relations with biological family members and stepfamily members. But playing exclusion—like fabricating a no kids in lieu to preserve kiddo girls from going—happens to be unhealthy, in the way of breaking trust and damaging emotional security. According to articles by Psychology Today, leaving the kids out in this type of family relationship causes damage to the children and creates unneeded friction in the relationship.
Not only do her actions loudly imply that her daughters are not acceptable, but it also tells them that they are not part of the family. We get that building relationships takes time — but to act on those feelings in a way that deliberately excludes others is a seriously misguided way to do so.
The Role of the Partner in Setting Boundaries
That said, Jack’s response to the arrival of the situation, is quite worrying. He admits that his mother has “not completely accepted” the daughters of his woman “but she is entitled to her feelings.” It disregards the disrespect towards her and her children, as this approach requires of the woman to be understanding and patient, so that the man can change.— 2nd post.
Family dynamics experts, like those at the Gottman Institute, emphasize the need for partners to have each other’s backs when it comes to other children’s issues in blended families. Instead of making excuses for FMIL or downplaying anything FMIL says/does, Jack ought to be shutting down his mother and voicing his support for the inclusion of his fiancée’s daughters.
Walking Away: Justified or Escalatory?
While the woman’s shorthand for what she got out of the trip may have further riled some feathers, it was more-or-less also a clear shape of boundaries. By walking out, she made it clear that she will not stand for her daughters being left out or lied to. Though one might think a more productive course of action would have been to stay and address the issue calmly, it is important to understand that her reaction was a result of years of exclusion and emotional neglect.
People supported the author of the post, saying that her future mother-in-law’s disapproval was unjustified and insensitive
This is not the fault of the woman. What FMIL did was duplicitous and divisive, and Jack’s non-advocacy for his fiancée and her daughters during this was the bigger problem. One way she did that was to walk the fuck away from a situation in which her children are NOT fully welcomed into their family where they belong and are valued. From this point on, if Jack ever wants a decent future with his future wife and stepdaughters, he better starts acting like a partner and put his family in their place.
